Open Letter From A Stormtrooper Who is Sick Of People Thinking He’s A Bad Guy — Eytan Raphaely

Wearing the Stormtrooper uniform used to mean something to people. I used to be able to walk into any cantina in the galaxy and the bartender would give me all the blue milk I wanted, completely free of charge. Those were the good days.

Ever since people started learning about the deaths of just like… a handful of Jedi, they don’t treat us the same. We have to govern the entire galaxy, some Jedi are going to be killed. Sure, sometimes our Stormtroopers mistake a toy lightsaber for a regular one and an officer accidentally shoots a kid but that’s the job! There are going to be a few bad apples in any organization!

You know what people don’t talk about? The hundreds of Stormtroopers who are killed in the line of duty. Good officers put themselves in harm’s way every day to ensure the totalitarian government you’ve come to know and love stays strong. I haven’t seen a single person on the X-Wing media talk about those brave officers.

Furthermore, people don’t understand what it takes to be a stormtrooper, each one of our officers goes through a rigorous 22-week program that primarily focuses on E-11 blaster rifle training, but there is a 2-hour program completely dedicated to conflict resolution, so don’t try to tell us how that we need more empathy training. We sat through a whole lecture about it, I think we know everything there is to know about empathy.

It’s just frustrating! Our republic was basically established around the subjugation of Jedi and now suddenly people care! Stop treating us like the villains! #TrooperLivesMatter

Originally published at https://www.eytanraphaely.com on June 10, 2020.

Eytan Raphaely is a comedian from Seattle. His other characteristics include: Jewish, brown hair, and tattoos.

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