Cool Guy Ordering At A Restaurant

Waiter: Hello and welcome can I get you started with any drinks?

Guy: Actually, I think we’re ready to order, I’ll have the Grilled Top Sirloin, medium-rare and a Manny’s, please.

Waiter: Excellent choice sir, and for the lady?

Girl: Hmmm… I’ll take th-

Guy: The lady will have the Oven-Baked Salmon, no bones, the lady so much as picks a single bone from that alleged fillet of salmon, I will be picking your bones from my teeth after I have roasted you alive and consumed you panini-style, and before I eat your pregnant wife and fetal son as appetizers. No skin on the salmon, if she evens sees a hint of grey in what should be a vibrant pink slab that you call salmon, you’ll be feeling a hint of grey in the back of your throat as I plan to hire a herd of elephants to take turns forcing fellatio upon your mouth for the rest of your insignificant waiter life. And, if it’s not too much trouble could you substitute the green beans for the baked potato, and I don’t want to find out that one of your busboys saw that a pretty girl came in, so he decided the only way to speak to her was to write a hand-written note and sneak it into her potatoes and she reads the note and it’s a heartwarming poem so she can’t help but fall in love with this mystery man and then their love blossoms into something magical, something that makes her realize she’s never actually been in love before, all those other times were nothing, but this… the love she now in, is hyper-real, so real it exists throughout all of eternity, it manifests itself throughout time and space for it was always meant to be and true love never truly dies.

And to drink… I’m just an amateur Sommelier but I think a nice Zinfandel will pair perfectly considering this last year’s record-rainfall in the southern tropics, sure some complain about climate-change but if you ask me, give me a good glass of wine and you can change up the weather however you like, a little hotter, a little colder who am I to complain. I’m just a guy with a pocketful of dreams.


Girl: … Wha- what the fuck was that?

Guy: I- I’m being an alpha male and ordering your food so you don’t have to hurt your feminine brain by making a choice?

Waiter: So, salmon with a baked potato then?

Girl: I…I don’t even know which horrible thing to respond to first, I am a vegan, which was made abundantly clear on my profile. Even if I wanted the salmon, you shouldn’t threaten people’s spouses or children with being eaten or with being mouth raped by elephants if they messed up the order. And the whole subplot with the busboy love story was just strange and weird considering we just met 10 minutes ago and you are already jealous of strangers working in kitchens.

Guy: B-But the drink order was good?

Girl: Ya between the pretentious amateur Sommelier proclamation and the weird pro-climate-change stance you managed to order wine.

Originally published at on August 23, 2019.

Eytan Raphaely is a comedian from Seattle. His other characteristics include: Jewish, brown hair, and tattoos.

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