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Illustration by Rian Ruyle

1. Not getting any new hobbies

It’s time to be honest: you can’t keep pressuring yourself into growing as a person. Especially not after the trauma of a pandemic. Just because some people on lockdown used their time to learn an instrument or start knitting, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with just vegging out for a couple of months. Also, you were super busy; first Tiger King came out, then everyone watched Love is Blind, then fucking Queen’s Gambit started, so it’s honestly not like you had that much time to do other stuff. It’s totally okay to just sit around for a year doing nothing…


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J.K Rowling is one of the most highly recognizable figures in modern-day literature, her work with the Harry Potter franchise has spawned eight hit movies, four theme parks, and a countless assortment of various merchandise, garnering her a net worth of roughly one billion dollars. But even a writer of her stature wishes to continue to pursue perfection in her craft. In 2012, she released her first adult novel titled “Casual Vacancy” which was met with almost unanimous critical acclaim, but has J.K Rowling managed to reclaim her name away from being forever tied to the Harry Potter series?

Let’s…


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Wearing the Stormtrooper uniform used to mean something to people. I used to be able to walk into any cantina in the galaxy and the bartender would give me all the blue milk I wanted, completely free of charge. Those were the good days.

Ever since people started learning about the deaths of just like… a handful of Jedi, they don’t treat us the same. We have to govern the entire galaxy, some Jedi are going to be killed. Sure, sometimes our Stormtroopers mistake a toy lightsaber for a regular one and an officer accidentally shoots a kid but that’s


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Waiter: Hello and welcome can I get you started with any drinks?

Guy: Actually, I think we’re ready to order, I’ll have the Grilled Top Sirloin, medium-rare and a Manny’s, please.

Waiter: Excellent choice sir, and for the lady?

Girl: Hmmm… I’ll take th-

Guy: The lady will have the Oven-Baked Salmon, no bones, the lady so much as picks a single bone from that alleged fillet of salmon, I will be picking your bones from my teeth after I have roasted you alive and consumed you panini-style, and before I eat your pregnant wife and fetal son as appetizers…


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After President Trump decided to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord, many Americans were left with a feeling of hopelessness in regards to the future of the planet. When asked what it means for future generations, President Trump responded: “I’ll tell you what it means, it means we’ll be getting a whole new plot for an Ice Age Movie!”

Ice Age producer Lori Forte expressed supreme excitement over the potential for a new film in the animated franchise, caused by humanities lack of foresight and imminent self-destruction. …


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MTV announced plans to release a pilot episode for a new show in which viewers can tune in and watch rapper Snoop Dogg do his dishes whilst high. MTV executive Tim Bradshaw explains, “America simply cannot get enough of watching this old high guy do different things, from cooking to watching nature documentaries, they love it and we had all these extra dishes piling up from the cafeteria, so we just thought ‘fuck it’ let’s have him do dishes.”

While there is very little dialogue in the show, test audiences have enjoyed watching Snoop Dogg chuckle to himself or look…


Neville Longbottom shook his hand triumphantly one day, proclaiming in “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,” “It’s a Remembrall!’…‘Gran knows I forget things — this tells you if there’s something you’ve forgotten to do.” With those words, Neville had solidified himself to be a god among wizards, witches, and muggles alike, for he owned the Remembrall, the most amazing item in the Harry Potter universe.

Yes, the very item J.K Rowling described on the official Harry Potter website as “more useless than a battery-powered battery charger.” Should be the most sought after item in the world.

To fully understand the…


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It’s every teenager's worst nightmare; you plan out exactly how your day is going to go; you’re finally going to stand out from the rest of your classmates when much to your chagrin, your act of individuality is usurped by your peers doing the exact same thing as you.

On a what seemed like a typical Friday afternoon, five different teenagers were left embarrassed when they entered Rio Rancho High School, all wielding the same semi-automatic rifle. The teens were obviously frustrated, one saying “It was just so humiliating, a lot of the other kids just made fun of us…

Eytan Raphaely

Eytan Raphaely is a comedian from Seattle. His other characteristics include: Jewish, brown hair, and tattoos.

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